Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*