“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
This kid will have a bright future.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money