How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My last name is Zilla.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Meeeee too!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*