Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
No selfies while hijacking a train.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.