Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
fr
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it