How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
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I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.