ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
this is uni
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine