But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.