When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Lucky old June.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here