Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital