Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.