Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.