I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?