When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
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Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Oops I deleted….
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
c’mon!
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.