My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
choose your gary
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Finally! 😈
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?