Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
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“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Close call…
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
awkward
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals