Can’t. About to go please some beans
You Might Also Like
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.