“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
my mind
You just read my mind
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not