I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms