Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
saw this in a dream
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.