They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Lmaoo 😂
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Challenge accepted.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
i meant to share this earlier