Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.