EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.