The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Feels
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If a snake ate a cake
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.