somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
You Might Also Like
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.