Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
RT if you know someone like this!!!
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one