I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Noted.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham