The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉