[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
You Might Also Like
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
remember
only for emergencies
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.