I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
OMG 🤣🤣
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy