Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*