Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.