The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You Might Also Like
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”