My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you