I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]