I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
You Might Also Like
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday