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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically