date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary