Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
all that yoga finally paid off
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”