Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO