The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you