I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.