[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.