Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
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I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Encore…
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.