Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO