My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound