“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
☺️
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut