After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor