me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*