“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
A game married people play.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up